Its been awhile...

I haven't blogged in quite awhile. My blog just kind of sits here on the world wide web, never being read. I used to use it as a ranting tool or something to vent and have wanted to keep that somewhat private because a few years ago my blog almost got me in a lot of trouble, lately however, I have been considering opening it up to the public with stories of what I've gone through over the last 7 years being a single mother, married to a drug addict and alcoholic, in hopes that my story may touch at least 1 life throughout the course of mine and show other women who are in my situation or have been in my situation, that there is a way out and that it does get better, no matter how many stupid decisions you make or how many times you pray and think you're told to stay.
Alot has happened- alot more than one journal entry can cover, but I am again overcoming obstacles, pain, heartache, bitterness, and stupidity through the Grace of God and I don't want to keep all that to myself because like I said before, If I can touch just one life and help one person know that it does get easier and that things do work out, then I have accomplished something far greater than keeping this faith to myself.

OH Ps!

Oh by the way (2 post in 1 day, shocker!) the lump that was inside my thigh was a lipoma. Apparently, these are tumors..... mine was not cancerous so, so far I get to live a little longer! =)
That is all, carry on!

&K&

i know i know!

I come, I go. I blog, I don't blog. I'm so indecisive!
I feel totally unsatisfied with life right now. I'm a SAHM, it's what i've always wanted, but why does it suck so bad? I feel like i'm constantly being pressured to entertain the child. I have been spending A LOT of time in prayer because my son, my lovely bald headed son, is so strong willed and we fight a lot. A LOT! I read a verse in one of my devotionals the other day, can't remember the address but do remember that it said something along the lines of " if you don't give up now, they will appreciate it later". I hold on to this hope through my struggles of parenting. Alone. I parent alone. His dad is not here because he is working so I am left, yet again, to be the single parent.
I feel torn. Our setup is really nice right now. I babysit 3 days a week and Jude gets to come with me, but the days that I don't babysit I feel like I should fill up with activities and things for my SWC to do. Really, this motherhood thing is A  LOT harder than I expected.
I wonder sometimes why I couldn't have one of those kids that just sat there and did everything I told him to do. Jude has NEVER been that way, not even in the womb. I should have known that since he has a strong-willed mother and a strong-willed father (and very many strong-willed relatives) that he too, would be. But why oh whyyyyyyyy couldn't of the effects been reversed. Lol.
Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything and I wouldn't trade him for anyone, but this is a very trying time in our lives and i'm doing it all alone! I don't have a support system of other people that are here rooting in my corner, telling me that i'm doing the right thing and that i'm raising him good and all that jazz. I have me... and my inner voice saying I suck at life.
I wish that some of my bffs were here. I miss them so much and I know I will probably never see them again And if I did? Things would be totally different because life has moved on...I just wish... more than anything... that I had a best friend here that I saw more often. I have a best friend here, I see her once every few months and it's just not enough...
I know that things will get better, I keep praying and hoping and putting faith in the unseen, that some day I will tell my DS to do something and he'll just get up and do it. No "no"'s, no temper-tantrums, no whining. Just "okay mommy" and he does it. Some day right?

*K*

Happy Birthday Jude... and some other stuff

LOL. I don't know why its so incredibly hard for me to remember to blog. It's not like I don't have the time, sitting here at the computer twiddling my thumbs. OH but wait! I haven't had the time. This month has been CRAZY!!! There has been a lot that happened and more still happening, so here's a recap:
Early in the month we were just busy doin playdates every now and then, daddy was home so we spent a lot of time with him too.
Then the 13th rolls around and its my mom's 60th birthday so we celebrated that. Then on the 16th Brandon left for work again and it was Father's Day so we went to my parents.
The 17th was Jude's Neverland Pirates party

 that we had with the friends from the play group. This was followed by a super busy week. The 19th was his actual birthday and we went to chuck e. cheese because he wanted to go there with his little friend Emma, who I babysit. After we left there we ate dinner at Cracker Barrel because that's where my little man wanted to go.
 Then Thursday I went to the Doctor about the lump on my thigh and it turns out that it's some small nodular mass and they will take it out this coming Thursday. Then Friday I worked again and we went to a Movie in the park. Saturday was a train ride and a small birthday dinner with Grammie and Grammpa.

Today we went to church. Hallejuah, i really needed it.
Then we went to our friend maddie's party. He had fun playing in the water fountain and making mud. He truly is a boy.
Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be nice and hot so we're going on another play date to the splash pad. We are busy little bees, us Balkoms.

Anyway, the rest of the month is going to start slowing down and we don't have a lot planned for July yet, but i'm sure it will fill up fast.
I am waiting to hear a tuition price for 1 more school and if it's decent we'll go tour it. If it something we can do, then we may put him there. Otherwise I will home school him. I want to anyway, I just lack the confidence that I will give him the stability and structure that he needs. I think it's one of those things that I just have to jump in and try it in order to be sure, but I dunno. This part of life will be "to be continued"....
I'm heading to bed now. Super tired and have to get up when the boy does (cause he's got this new thing where he likes to be destructive...) Sweet dreams!

Kirsten

Or Not...

And then sometimes, things happen. Things where your stupid heart completely gets in the way of whatever you may be feeling about particular situations. You soften. You turn to God and he still says that maybe it's not time. It's the most confusing thing there is. God hates D. says it all over the bible, however, mine would be biblically justified.
Maybe I need to change too, I know that i'm not the best to be around. The only thing that I can do now is wait. Take no actions with the big D. just wait.. Pray. Live for God. Make God my husband and rely on him.
Gotta go to class now. Droning boring class.

K*

Time for the Big D word...

I have been going back and forth, back and forth about this whole D word thing. I keep crying and feeling like i'm suffocating, and just been kind of depressed because of it. I know this life isn't what God is really wanting me to live with and I have to make steps to go in the direction that he's leading me. It's not easy. It sucks. A lot. But I finally feel that release.
I think to myself through my tears, that I have been through these exact same feelings 1,000 or more times. Then I say to myself, this can't be what God wants for his child.
I have the most amazing blessing from this marriage (if you could call it that). I have my Jude and I wouldn't change that part for anything, but then I realized something else after going to the doctor the other day.
God has prevented me from having more Children with this man because God has other plans for me. I know that if I hadn't of had Jude I wouldn't still be married today. I have stayed so long because I've always felt guilty about Jude not being able to have his daddy around, but really, the man hasn't been around a lot in the last 5 years.
This "marriage", hasn't really ever been a marriage. We have never been one. I served him in the beginning, when we were first married. I cooked, cleaned, gave him small presents of love, did things for him, etc.
Then, he basically said my cooking sucked, so I stopped cooking.
I would clean and clean, only for him to come along behind me and disrespect me by not cleaning up after himself, so I threw my hands up and let it go.
The presents stopped when he decided that the things I was giving him out of the kindness of my heart, were not good enough. Like, every time he would go to jail and I couldn't take his clothes and stuff with me to my next residence (or couch upon which I was living), so I would go buy him new ones right before he got out. They hung in the closet.... never worn... because they weren't what he liked.
I use to go out of my way to make sure that he knew how much I loved him. All of that stopped somewhere along the line, because how much can a person give of themself before there is nothing left to give?
I don't put all the blame on him... I closed off. I became distant and mean. Why though? Because my heart IS tired of being broken. Walked on. Used. Manipulated. Cheated on.
I gave up a lot for this man. I left the state I loved. My friends. I ended up homeless. With nothing, because he doesn't support me.
I was nice enough to let him stay with me and he jeopardized my living situation because he didn't respect my words and decided that what he wanted was better than what was best for his wife and child.
I still pray though. I still get down on my hands and knees and CRY out to God for reasoning. It's pretty frustrating to tell people anything about me cause it doesn't make sense. What kind of person is a married single mother? Why haven't I divorced sooner? Why do I stay?
Because I'm scared. I have always been scared. I'm scared of the mind games he plays on me and I've been scared that God would strike me down dead if I committed this big ole sin of divorcing my husband, but even under all the doubt of "is this the right decision", I somewhat feel like I will be at peace after it is all said and done.
I jumped off the very top limb and emailed a D lawyer. I am going to go forward with it because if I don't, I will continue to be treated the way that he treats me and neither myself or my Son deserve any of it.
As for Jude, and feeling guilty for being a terrible parent that doesn't want his dad around. I write him letters. He will see this blog when he's older. He will know the stories without it being a bitter thing, because I don't want him to have a bitter impression of his dad and I know that the bitterness in my heart now will subside, because I am going to continue to get MY life right with God.
I will help my son understand this the best that I can. I will become involved in Church activities that focus on healing from such a thing.
I, no, WE will overcome this battle and put it in the box with all the others we have conquered together.
In the end, God and only God will be what I always cling too.

~*~K~*~

I fail at blogging... Again!

I really, really, REALLY need to get better at this crap! I have all these intentions of blogging and sharing my stories with people but I never get around to it. However, here are some UPDATES about life in the Balkom house.

1. We are getting ready to move into our 2 bedroom apartment. I think I might finally be able to paint my living room this blue color I bought months ago.
2. Brandon took a job with some contracting company and is going to, yet again, be in and out of the picture.
3. Jude is going to be 5 in less than a month
4. I nanny 3 days a week. I get to bring Jude. Most days are okay, I get paid in bread crumbs, but I get to bring him and don't have to worry about his well being as much as if he was with my mom or a complete stranger.
5. I realize lately how lonely I am. With the exception of Jude, I don't really have anyone. I need to get more involved in making friendships that are long lasting, with people that won't judge me and relationships that are Drama free. Any takers?

I don't really know what other updates I have right now. Oh, other than
6. I am in my 6th term at Kaplan. Can't wait till I graduate next summer!

Alright. Some day I want to blog about my marriage ( or lack thereof ), but i'm not really sure that I want to open that one up to the public just yet. Especially if I am trying to make new friends. They might judge me or dislike me before I even have a chance to advance. We'll see, but for now, I should be working on homework but i have neither the mental or emotional energy to do anything but stare at this computer screen and wish my life away...

Or! I could look into making things better so that life can be better than it ever has been... Yeah, I'll go with that.. Goodnight Everyone! Sleep well....

~*~Kirsten~*~

I gotta get better at this

I have this blog and I made it for the purposes of blogging about everything that happens in life. Also, for being creative, and now with the intent of sharing my home school experiences with the world. I know that I need to get better about blogging, because I have a desire to show people things that happen in my world. I want people to see my creative ability.
Right now, I have a migraine. One of those "everything is killing my head" type of headaches. I am only on the computer because I am killing time before class starts.
I have been going to Kaplan University online for almost a year now. I will graduate with my A.A.S in Human Services next March. I am slightly excited about this, but I know that when it gets closer to that time I will be even more excited about it.
We have decided to go ahead and home school Jude for awhile. We visited a Christian school here and it was kind of drab and uneventful, we didn't feel that it would be a good fit for Jude's personality. We also considered sending him to the local Public school, but after having worked in various school districts throughout the United States for the last several years and seeing first hand how students are treated and the lack of education they receive, we have decided it will be best for now for me to teach him.
I am excited, yet nervous, about this opportunity. I know that I will receive a lot of negative feedback regarding the decision to home school him. I mentioned in my child development class last week this idea and   the professor (whose from New York area) slammed me up and down, left and right. Giving me all these "things" I needed to do in order to get him approved by the state and how she "thought" every state was the same. I kindly posted a link to the Illinois department of education, home school section and she quickly shut up.
Anywho, I don't know what else to say. Jude is making train noises and I'm trying not to scratch my eyes out. I have to attend seminar for an hour, then I can take a shower and hopefully go to bed. Hoping this migraine is gone tomorrow.
Stay tuned for more updates. Lots of things will be happening over the next couple months and I hope that I can make time to get on here and post.

~*~Kirsten~*~

I'm sorry

This whole month has gone by and i have not posted. I am sorry. I have no excuses. I will try harder in december. I have a lot of things i'll want to share in december so i should blog more often. However, in december a lot of things are going to change so i don't know how much i'll be able to get on here. I'm vowing to spend more time with my son and my husband (if he gets out) so we'll see.

I'm here

I'm here... I know it's been a bit since I last posted but I haven't had the creative streak in me lately. I have been super down and out. Just not myself. I don't want to post things that are going to be sulky so I don't post.
I have decided that this month, every day I will be posting 30 things in which I am thankful for. So by the end of the month I will have told everyone 900 things that I am thankful for.
Last night I came up with these :

My mom, dad, erich, brian, adam, caleb, jules, damian, and logan. I am thankful for God giving me Jude. I am thankful for my apartment. My car that runs. Being financially stable. I am thankful I have a job. I am thankful for my friends christine, becky, roseanne, and catrina. I am thankful for trials. I am thankful for temptations and the ability to say no to them. I am thankful for Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. I am thankful for having clothes to keep me warm. And a bed I can sleep in. I am thankful for this challenge because it will make me realize all i have to be thankful for. (i lost count... oh 24!) I am thankful for facebook. I am thankful for email. I am thankful for hope. faith. and love. And lastly for today, I am thankful that God forgives sins

Later today, at the end of the day, i will go back through my day and write out more. 30 more to be exact.
Last night as I was trying to sleep I was thinking of all the things, big and little, that I am thankful for and surely i can come up with 870 more. I KNOW I can come up with more than that, but my goal is 900 for the month.

In other news, I am sick again. I never fully got better but now I have the full on cold again. It sucks. I don't know if it's because of the weather changing so drastically around here or working in the school where all the kids share germs with their teachers and each other. It is probably a combination of both.

I think I am going to lay down now. I am home alone and don't know what to do with myself, it's so quiet. I know though, as soon as I say that they will come home and I won't be home alone anymore.
Till next time.

~*~K~*~

Not Well

This bronchitis isn't going away. Well, it may have, but the cough is still there and I am so tired of coughing. This is ridiculous. I never remember to call the Dr. though, otherwise I'm sure i'd have an appointment scheduled. I was supposed to follow up within 2 days, yeah, I suck at that.
I haven't made much of anything since the last post. I haven't felt like it. I went back to work on Monday and didn't want to be there at all. I just wanted to be in bed. I want to sleep till I wake up and this cough is GONE!
Well enough complaining. I think i'm going to veg tonight when Jude goes to bed. Watch some Grey's on my netflix and just relax till I fall asleep.
Oh speaking of Jude, I had him sign his name today. I told him the letters and he did his best. I couldn't post a picture of it because of a special reason, but I will try to remember to take a picture of it tomorrow and post it up here. My little boy is growing up too dang fast.
Anyway, I'm going to go now. Wait till I find my creative muse again and get to making things. I'll write more soon
~*~K~*~

Salad with a Twist

I don't want this blog to turn into a "what I had for dinner" blog, because I want to do more with my creativity than just cook, but because I made this awesomely delicious Salad this evening for dinner i just had to share

So basically, its just a salad. Lettuce. Tomato. Hard boiled egg. Cubed Sharp cheddar AND get this...................... BRATWURST!!! HAHA! who ever thought about putting Bratwursts in a salad?! ME! that's who! I didn't use a dressing or anything because the juices from the tomato, lettuce, and bratwurst made is moist in flavor enough that I didn't need a dressing! Go me!

Enjoy!
~*~K~*~

Toliet Paper Towers

Jude has this new obsession with playing with toliet paper... And by playing with it, I don't mean balling it up and throwing it down the toliet. I mean making castles and towers out of it. Thursday, when I asked him to put the toliet paper away in the cupboard for me, i noticed it was taking him an unusually long amount of time and he had gotten really quiet. This is what I walked into:

Now of course, I could not be mad at him because I love his creative abilities. It stayed like this for quite awhile and then I informed him we had to put it away. He was a very good helper putting it away. He's a great boy, I couldn't ask for anyone better and his imagination is AMAZING!

Enjoy!
~*~K~*~

Dinner Last Night

Last night for dinner I actually cooked!

I made a cucumber, olive, mozzarella, and tomato salad. Some creamy mushroom penne, and Parmesan bread crumb chicken. It tasted delicious underneath all my sickies, so I can only imagine how amazing it would have tasted if I hadn't of been sick. I was just thinking though that the mozzarella didn't really have the full flavor that i was looking for so next time to bring out the taste of the cheese, I may go ahead and use feta.
Anyway, it was really good and I wish that my stomach could have eaten more but it didn't. I don't feel like posting a recipe, but it's pretty self explanatory. If you want to know how I made a particular thing (like if you're just dying to know) email me at goin2merced24@hotmail.com and i'll be totally glad to give it to you. I'm just not feeling too well and my mind is boggled so blogging it isn't gonna happen tonight.

Enjoy!

~*~ K~*~

I'm Baaaack!

So for awhile i've wanted to start being creative again. I was dabbling over at that tumblr place but i didn't like it. It didn't allow me to express my creative take on things as much as I would have liked it too. I am going to start blogging again.
Life
Creativity
Jude
Me
Marriage (or lack there of)
and Everything in Between.
I spend a lot of time on the computer doing the same ole things over and over and quite frankly, my talent deserves to be noticed. So hold tight and enjoy!

Kirsten

REMEMBER in case you forget

Ah Kirsten, this is for your memory purposes only. The email is kirstenbalkom@hotmail.com =)

Moments of Truth Unleashing God's Word One Day at a Time

I got this book before the new year in hopes that I would be able to read it daily. I couldn't really get into so i put it down for awhile; but then i remembered that I am suppose to write a review on it, so I had to pick it back up and read it in it's entirety...
I believe that if you understand the philosophy behind the author's mentioning in this book you will have a better understanding at grasping the lessons being taught in this book. A lot of it was too deep for me. I was first put off by the very first chapter being something i wasn't particularly interested in, so it was hard to keep reading.
When i did pick it back up and start reading more thoroughly, i found that it did become more interesting. This book is definately for someone that understands Big words and philosophical comparisons of religion.
At the bottom of the page there is a footer with mentions about some other book, it would have been nice if there was some kind of clarification of what those footers were actually for (there is only a small blurb in the back of the book about the footers, but it's unclear). Perhaps maybe accompanying the book as a set would help a reader understand what's taking place.
I guess i give it 3 stars.

How to save my marriage...

I read this book "How to save my marriage in 5 minutes a day: daily practices to transform your relationship" by Bonnie Jacobson...

Well it took me a LONG time to get this review in. I just couldn't get interested in it. I don't know what it was, but whenever I picked it up to start reading, i just couldn't make sense of it. I may try to read it another time, but it took me forever this time. I think that if my marriage is going to work, reading a marriage self help book is great but only God can actually save my marriage. The ideas in this book are well meant, but I just don't think they are appliable to my daily life. IF you have time to read and really meditate on what it's saying then I say go for it, but I was disappointed.

alot..

A lot has happened in the months since I last blogged. A lot.
At some point I will bring my computer home to my apartment and write up blogs for both. Myself and judes blog too. Right now i don't say much bcuz I am doing it all from mobile but I hope to really get back into writing again. Till then, many blessings. - kirsten -

Someday...

Someday, I hope that I have daily internet access again so that I can get back into blogging. Till then, we'll just have to wait... sorry.