Wednesday, July 24, 2013

i know i know!

I come, I go. I blog, I don't blog. I'm so indecisive!
I feel totally unsatisfied with life right now. I'm a SAHM, it's what i've always wanted, but why does it suck so bad? I feel like i'm constantly being pressured to entertain the child. I have been spending A LOT of time in prayer because my son, my lovely bald headed son, is so strong willed and we fight a lot. A LOT! I read a verse in one of my devotionals the other day, can't remember the address but do remember that it said something along the lines of " if you don't give up now, they will appreciate it later". I hold on to this hope through my struggles of parenting. Alone. I parent alone. His dad is not here because he is working so I am left, yet again, to be the single parent.
I feel torn. Our setup is really nice right now. I babysit 3 days a week and Jude gets to come with me, but the days that I don't babysit I feel like I should fill up with activities and things for my SWC to do. Really, this motherhood thing is A  LOT harder than I expected.
I wonder sometimes why I couldn't have one of those kids that just sat there and did everything I told him to do. Jude has NEVER been that way, not even in the womb. I should have known that since he has a strong-willed mother and a strong-willed father (and very many strong-willed relatives) that he too, would be. But why oh whyyyyyyyy couldn't of the effects been reversed. Lol.
Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything and I wouldn't trade him for anyone, but this is a very trying time in our lives and i'm doing it all alone! I don't have a support system of other people that are here rooting in my corner, telling me that i'm doing the right thing and that i'm raising him good and all that jazz. I have me... and my inner voice saying I suck at life.
I wish that some of my bffs were here. I miss them so much and I know I will probably never see them again And if I did? Things would be totally different because life has moved on...I just wish... more than anything... that I had a best friend here that I saw more often. I have a best friend here, I see her once every few months and it's just not enough...
I know that things will get better, I keep praying and hoping and putting faith in the unseen, that some day I will tell my DS to do something and he'll just get up and do it. No "no"'s, no temper-tantrums, no whining. Just "okay mommy" and he does it. Some day right?


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