Sunday, May 26, 2013

Time for the Big D word...

I have been going back and forth, back and forth about this whole D word thing. I keep crying and feeling like i'm suffocating, and just been kind of depressed because of it. I know this life isn't what God is really wanting me to live with and I have to make steps to go in the direction that he's leading me. It's not easy. It sucks. A lot. But I finally feel that release.
I think to myself through my tears, that I have been through these exact same feelings 1,000 or more times. Then I say to myself, this can't be what God wants for his child.
I have the most amazing blessing from this marriage (if you could call it that). I have my Jude and I wouldn't change that part for anything, but then I realized something else after going to the doctor the other day.
God has prevented me from having more Children with this man because God has other plans for me. I know that if I hadn't of had Jude I wouldn't still be married today. I have stayed so long because I've always felt guilty about Jude not being able to have his daddy around, but really, the man hasn't been around a lot in the last 5 years.
This "marriage", hasn't really ever been a marriage. We have never been one. I served him in the beginning, when we were first married. I cooked, cleaned, gave him small presents of love, did things for him, etc.
Then, he basically said my cooking sucked, so I stopped cooking.
I would clean and clean, only for him to come along behind me and disrespect me by not cleaning up after himself, so I threw my hands up and let it go.
The presents stopped when he decided that the things I was giving him out of the kindness of my heart, were not good enough. Like, every time he would go to jail and I couldn't take his clothes and stuff with me to my next residence (or couch upon which I was living), so I would go buy him new ones right before he got out. They hung in the closet.... never worn... because they weren't what he liked.
I use to go out of my way to make sure that he knew how much I loved him. All of that stopped somewhere along the line, because how much can a person give of themself before there is nothing left to give?
I don't put all the blame on him... I closed off. I became distant and mean. Why though? Because my heart IS tired of being broken. Walked on. Used. Manipulated. Cheated on.
I gave up a lot for this man. I left the state I loved. My friends. I ended up homeless. With nothing, because he doesn't support me.
I was nice enough to let him stay with me and he jeopardized my living situation because he didn't respect my words and decided that what he wanted was better than what was best for his wife and child.
I still pray though. I still get down on my hands and knees and CRY out to God for reasoning. It's pretty frustrating to tell people anything about me cause it doesn't make sense. What kind of person is a married single mother? Why haven't I divorced sooner? Why do I stay?
Because I'm scared. I have always been scared. I'm scared of the mind games he plays on me and I've been scared that God would strike me down dead if I committed this big ole sin of divorcing my husband, but even under all the doubt of "is this the right decision", I somewhat feel like I will be at peace after it is all said and done.
I jumped off the very top limb and emailed a D lawyer. I am going to go forward with it because if I don't, I will continue to be treated the way that he treats me and neither myself or my Son deserve any of it.
As for Jude, and feeling guilty for being a terrible parent that doesn't want his dad around. I write him letters. He will see this blog when he's older. He will know the stories without it being a bitter thing, because I don't want him to have a bitter impression of his dad and I know that the bitterness in my heart now will subside, because I am going to continue to get MY life right with God.
I will help my son understand this the best that I can. I will become involved in Church activities that focus on healing from such a thing.
I, no, WE will overcome this battle and put it in the box with all the others we have conquered together.
In the end, God and only God will be what I always cling too.


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