OH Ps!

Oh by the way (2 post in 1 day, shocker!) the lump that was inside my thigh was a lipoma. Apparently, these are tumors..... mine was not cancerous so, so far I get to live a little longer! =)
That is all, carry on!

&K&

i know i know!

I come, I go. I blog, I don't blog. I'm so indecisive!
I feel totally unsatisfied with life right now. I'm a SAHM, it's what i've always wanted, but why does it suck so bad? I feel like i'm constantly being pressured to entertain the child. I have been spending A LOT of time in prayer because my son, my lovely bald headed son, is so strong willed and we fight a lot. A LOT! I read a verse in one of my devotionals the other day, can't remember the address but do remember that it said something along the lines of " if you don't give up now, they will appreciate it later". I hold on to this hope through my struggles of parenting. Alone. I parent alone. His dad is not here because he is working so I am left, yet again, to be the single parent.
I feel torn. Our setup is really nice right now. I babysit 3 days a week and Jude gets to come with me, but the days that I don't babysit I feel like I should fill up with activities and things for my SWC to do. Really, this motherhood thing is A  LOT harder than I expected.
I wonder sometimes why I couldn't have one of those kids that just sat there and did everything I told him to do. Jude has NEVER been that way, not even in the womb. I should have known that since he has a strong-willed mother and a strong-willed father (and very many strong-willed relatives) that he too, would be. But why oh whyyyyyyyy couldn't of the effects been reversed. Lol.
Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything and I wouldn't trade him for anyone, but this is a very trying time in our lives and i'm doing it all alone! I don't have a support system of other people that are here rooting in my corner, telling me that i'm doing the right thing and that i'm raising him good and all that jazz. I have me... and my inner voice saying I suck at life.
I wish that some of my bffs were here. I miss them so much and I know I will probably never see them again And if I did? Things would be totally different because life has moved on...I just wish... more than anything... that I had a best friend here that I saw more often. I have a best friend here, I see her once every few months and it's just not enough...
I know that things will get better, I keep praying and hoping and putting faith in the unseen, that some day I will tell my DS to do something and he'll just get up and do it. No "no"'s, no temper-tantrums, no whining. Just "okay mommy" and he does it. Some day right?

*K*

Happy Birthday Jude... and some other stuff

LOL. I don't know why its so incredibly hard for me to remember to blog. It's not like I don't have the time, sitting here at the computer twiddling my thumbs. OH but wait! I haven't had the time. This month has been CRAZY!!! There has been a lot that happened and more still happening, so here's a recap:
Early in the month we were just busy doin playdates every now and then, daddy was home so we spent a lot of time with him too.
Then the 13th rolls around and its my mom's 60th birthday so we celebrated that. Then on the 16th Brandon left for work again and it was Father's Day so we went to my parents.
The 17th was Jude's Neverland Pirates party

 that we had with the friends from the play group. This was followed by a super busy week. The 19th was his actual birthday and we went to chuck e. cheese because he wanted to go there with his little friend Emma, who I babysit. After we left there we ate dinner at Cracker Barrel because that's where my little man wanted to go.
 Then Thursday I went to the Doctor about the lump on my thigh and it turns out that it's some small nodular mass and they will take it out this coming Thursday. Then Friday I worked again and we went to a Movie in the park. Saturday was a train ride and a small birthday dinner with Grammie and Grammpa.

Today we went to church. Hallejuah, i really needed it.
Then we went to our friend maddie's party. He had fun playing in the water fountain and making mud. He truly is a boy.
Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be nice and hot so we're going on another play date to the splash pad. We are busy little bees, us Balkoms.

Anyway, the rest of the month is going to start slowing down and we don't have a lot planned for July yet, but i'm sure it will fill up fast.
I am waiting to hear a tuition price for 1 more school and if it's decent we'll go tour it. If it something we can do, then we may put him there. Otherwise I will home school him. I want to anyway, I just lack the confidence that I will give him the stability and structure that he needs. I think it's one of those things that I just have to jump in and try it in order to be sure, but I dunno. This part of life will be "to be continued"....
I'm heading to bed now. Super tired and have to get up when the boy does (cause he's got this new thing where he likes to be destructive...) Sweet dreams!

Kirsten

Or Not...

And then sometimes, things happen. Things where your stupid heart completely gets in the way of whatever you may be feeling about particular situations. You soften. You turn to God and he still says that maybe it's not time. It's the most confusing thing there is. God hates D. says it all over the bible, however, mine would be biblically justified.
Maybe I need to change too, I know that i'm not the best to be around. The only thing that I can do now is wait. Take no actions with the big D. just wait.. Pray. Live for God. Make God my husband and rely on him.
Gotta go to class now. Droning boring class.

K*

Time for the Big D word...

I have been going back and forth, back and forth about this whole D word thing. I keep crying and feeling like i'm suffocating, and just been kind of depressed because of it. I know this life isn't what God is really wanting me to live with and I have to make steps to go in the direction that he's leading me. It's not easy. It sucks. A lot. But I finally feel that release.
I think to myself through my tears, that I have been through these exact same feelings 1,000 or more times. Then I say to myself, this can't be what God wants for his child.
I have the most amazing blessing from this marriage (if you could call it that). I have my Jude and I wouldn't change that part for anything, but then I realized something else after going to the doctor the other day.
God has prevented me from having more Children with this man because God has other plans for me. I know that if I hadn't of had Jude I wouldn't still be married today. I have stayed so long because I've always felt guilty about Jude not being able to have his daddy around, but really, the man hasn't been around a lot in the last 5 years.
This "marriage", hasn't really ever been a marriage. We have never been one. I served him in the beginning, when we were first married. I cooked, cleaned, gave him small presents of love, did things for him, etc.
Then, he basically said my cooking sucked, so I stopped cooking.
I would clean and clean, only for him to come along behind me and disrespect me by not cleaning up after himself, so I threw my hands up and let it go.
The presents stopped when he decided that the things I was giving him out of the kindness of my heart, were not good enough. Like, every time he would go to jail and I couldn't take his clothes and stuff with me to my next residence (or couch upon which I was living), so I would go buy him new ones right before he got out. They hung in the closet.... never worn... because they weren't what he liked.
I use to go out of my way to make sure that he knew how much I loved him. All of that stopped somewhere along the line, because how much can a person give of themself before there is nothing left to give?
I don't put all the blame on him... I closed off. I became distant and mean. Why though? Because my heart IS tired of being broken. Walked on. Used. Manipulated. Cheated on.
I gave up a lot for this man. I left the state I loved. My friends. I ended up homeless. With nothing, because he doesn't support me.
I was nice enough to let him stay with me and he jeopardized my living situation because he didn't respect my words and decided that what he wanted was better than what was best for his wife and child.
I still pray though. I still get down on my hands and knees and CRY out to God for reasoning. It's pretty frustrating to tell people anything about me cause it doesn't make sense. What kind of person is a married single mother? Why haven't I divorced sooner? Why do I stay?
Because I'm scared. I have always been scared. I'm scared of the mind games he plays on me and I've been scared that God would strike me down dead if I committed this big ole sin of divorcing my husband, but even under all the doubt of "is this the right decision", I somewhat feel like I will be at peace after it is all said and done.
I jumped off the very top limb and emailed a D lawyer. I am going to go forward with it because if I don't, I will continue to be treated the way that he treats me and neither myself or my Son deserve any of it.
As for Jude, and feeling guilty for being a terrible parent that doesn't want his dad around. I write him letters. He will see this blog when he's older. He will know the stories without it being a bitter thing, because I don't want him to have a bitter impression of his dad and I know that the bitterness in my heart now will subside, because I am going to continue to get MY life right with God.
I will help my son understand this the best that I can. I will become involved in Church activities that focus on healing from such a thing.
I, no, WE will overcome this battle and put it in the box with all the others we have conquered together.
In the end, God and only God will be what I always cling too.

~*~K~*~

I fail at blogging... Again!

I really, really, REALLY need to get better at this crap! I have all these intentions of blogging and sharing my stories with people but I never get around to it. However, here are some UPDATES about life in the Balkom house.

1. We are getting ready to move into our 2 bedroom apartment. I think I might finally be able to paint my living room this blue color I bought months ago.
2. Brandon took a job with some contracting company and is going to, yet again, be in and out of the picture.
3. Jude is going to be 5 in less than a month
4. I nanny 3 days a week. I get to bring Jude. Most days are okay, I get paid in bread crumbs, but I get to bring him and don't have to worry about his well being as much as if he was with my mom or a complete stranger.
5. I realize lately how lonely I am. With the exception of Jude, I don't really have anyone. I need to get more involved in making friendships that are long lasting, with people that won't judge me and relationships that are Drama free. Any takers?

I don't really know what other updates I have right now. Oh, other than
6. I am in my 6th term at Kaplan. Can't wait till I graduate next summer!

Alright. Some day I want to blog about my marriage ( or lack thereof ), but i'm not really sure that I want to open that one up to the public just yet. Especially if I am trying to make new friends. They might judge me or dislike me before I even have a chance to advance. We'll see, but for now, I should be working on homework but i have neither the mental or emotional energy to do anything but stare at this computer screen and wish my life away...

Or! I could look into making things better so that life can be better than it ever has been... Yeah, I'll go with that.. Goodnight Everyone! Sleep well....

~*~Kirsten~*~

I gotta get better at this

I have this blog and I made it for the purposes of blogging about everything that happens in life. Also, for being creative, and now with the intent of sharing my home school experiences with the world. I know that I need to get better about blogging, because I have a desire to show people things that happen in my world. I want people to see my creative ability.
Right now, I have a migraine. One of those "everything is killing my head" type of headaches. I am only on the computer because I am killing time before class starts.
I have been going to Kaplan University online for almost a year now. I will graduate with my A.A.S in Human Services next March. I am slightly excited about this, but I know that when it gets closer to that time I will be even more excited about it.
We have decided to go ahead and home school Jude for awhile. We visited a Christian school here and it was kind of drab and uneventful, we didn't feel that it would be a good fit for Jude's personality. We also considered sending him to the local Public school, but after having worked in various school districts throughout the United States for the last several years and seeing first hand how students are treated and the lack of education they receive, we have decided it will be best for now for me to teach him.
I am excited, yet nervous, about this opportunity. I know that I will receive a lot of negative feedback regarding the decision to home school him. I mentioned in my child development class last week this idea and   the professor (whose from New York area) slammed me up and down, left and right. Giving me all these "things" I needed to do in order to get him approved by the state and how she "thought" every state was the same. I kindly posted a link to the Illinois department of education, home school section and she quickly shut up.
Anywho, I don't know what else to say. Jude is making train noises and I'm trying not to scratch my eyes out. I have to attend seminar for an hour, then I can take a shower and hopefully go to bed. Hoping this migraine is gone tomorrow.
Stay tuned for more updates. Lots of things will be happening over the next couple months and I hope that I can make time to get on here and post.

~*~Kirsten~*~